Two Disclaimers On Reconciliation

As Rev. Riana Shaw Robinson pointed out on Sunday, there are times when community breaks apart. The Apostle Paul hints at this pretty strongly:

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. - Romans 12:18

Did you see the two disclaimers in that verse?

The first one is “as far as it depends on you.” Sometimes it doesn’t depend on you. Sometimes the other person insists on breaking up the relationship, leaving the community, moving out of town, or not speaking to you. You simply cannot control them. As parents often tell their children when the blame game is going on in the family, “Your response is your responsibility” - the other person has their own responsibility and you can’t control it.

The second disclaimer in that little verse is “If it is possible.” Sometimes you just can’t do it. The things they said are just too hurtful, the abuse too great, the betrayal too deep. And for your own wellness, it simply is not okay to stay living at peace with them. Of course, that doesn’t mean you get to go to war with them, either. It means that you are allowed - perhaps even encouraged - to walk away. This means we have to know our own limits, to love and respect ourselves, and to allow others in the community to do the hard work with the other person because it’s no longer possible for us to do it.

How do these two disclaimers sit with you? Is there a sense of relief that comes with them (or maybe it just helps you feel not so crazy for having ended a relationship)? Or does it make you feel a bit disoriented or sort of unbalanced because when you always had to reconcile 100% of the time, sure your own soul was often erased in the process but at least you didn’t have to sit in the ambiguity of discerning whether this particular situation warranted a break or an attempt to heal it.

Either way, talk with Jesus about your feelings, your experiences, and your understanding of this verse.